Wednesday, October 18, 2006

the mini crime scene

So....

I came home from work yesterday to a mostly naked M, and a chagrined J-Dog, who, as I walked in the door, said "I fucked up". And pointed into the house.

As I tendered my gaze across the living room, I say, idiotically "what?" and J-Dog says "I'm really sorry".

So far, this is not looking so good - neither for what is coming next or incidentally, our highly astute conversational skills.

And then I see it. The mini-crime scene. And then I notice M has splatter marks as well. "Did something come in the house and need to be killed?" And then it finally becomes clear. Nail polish. Red nail polish all over our supposed to be whitish carpet.

Me: "um, what the hell?" (Again, our vernacular is spectacular).

Apparently J-Dog thought it to be a good idea to paint M's toes. She likes it. That I understand - we've (oh fuck it, I'VE) painted M's toes w/ the palest pink, or glitter, occasionally. But harlot red has never been in the equation. Nor is M allowed to hold the bottle.

Me: "what the hell?" (yes, I know, but I was struggling)

Apparently (sorry to use that word twice to start a sentance, but it fits and I'm leaving it) J-Dog also thought it ok to GIVE M the nail polish bottle while he "took care of something" because he had "no idea she could open the bottle".

This child practically drives our car. And cooks dinner. She's a maniac, and can figure out just about anything. Especially if that something can cause great bodily harm. This is not new information.

And it's not just a little spill. It's the whole bottle, in about 10 places all over the living room rug. Not in a place that can be covered up easily. And did I mention it is harlot red?

And then the best part: M eagerly dragging me over, and in her lispy babbling way says "Dada spill. Me clean". Good one, M. Covering one's ass is a useful skill and I am so glad you've already learned that practically before you can even speak.

33 comments:

mrs. incredible - aka Tabba said...

You.are.killing.me!
We have, as of late, had the same exact crime scene. or two. or three. Although, it was big brother who decided to paint baby girl's toes.
I feel ya.
I really do.

Z said...

"I fucked up". "I'm really sorry".

You've got to love him.

Hope you're insured. Otherwise, hey, it's part of your family history. There are interesting stains on our rugs from 20, 30 years back. We can laugh about them ... now.

Momish said...

I feel your pain with this one! But, I have to love both your hubby and child for how they handled the situation. That was just classic!

Anonymous said...

Ooooooh.....

see these moments in THEIR lives show them just how 'complicated' this child rearing really is.

I come home and open the door with my eyes closed because I never know what to expect.

And did you notice that the word verification below is a rude word?
fkcrs....hee hee

J Fife said...

I couldn't possibly count the number of times I've heard my dear husband sheepishly say, "I had no idea she'd be able to [insert any dangerous or destructive activity here]."

If I had homemaking skills of any sort, I'd suggest a way to clean the mess. So sorry...

Anonymous said...

Did you laugh at some point? Because I would have -oh M, too cute pulling the CYA moves! And can you imagine J-Dog's panic - you know the adrenaline rush you get while saying "Holy Shit!"

Let me introduce you to the pet owners best friend -

http://www.florcatalog.com/

Her Bad Mother said...

My future. You are describing my future, I know it.

crazymumma said...

Oh J Dog...you are a good daddy. I love the long together couple conversation or lack thereof, sounds like my house.

Sorry about your carpet tho'....ya gotta roll with the punches.

Kris said...

whoo boy. I have not had the experience of that, and seeing as I dont wear any makeup or nailpolish, I doubt it will happen. although, I am sure she will find something else...dont know what...pens exploding, maybe..who knows.

Loved the 'Im really sorry' bit and the daughter's ability to cover her butt so young....

Mary P. said...

Pictures? Did you get pictures? Of the rug, the bespattered child, the penitent dad?

Next time! The very best baby pictures I have are of toddler-wrought domestic carnage. Ten or fifteen years later, they are WAY more entertaining than the smiling-baby shots.

scribbit said...

I'm with them, where's the picture? With that much pain we at least deserve a laugh out of it. :)

Anonymous said...

I was visiting a friend in London and I did that to her carpet. Oh, the shame.

Joker The Lurcher said...

fantastic! we have a saying in our house about covering things with a brooch (not sure if thats how you spell it) which dates back to me rushing off to court in my black suit and being sicked on by our boy and having no time to change (and anyway only the one suit).

however i have useful advice about the carpet. i used to live near the beach and my then dog would walk in tar and then wander all over the very pale carpets that the previous owner had put in my flat to sell it.

what is need is (are?) some very fine nail scissors. you (or in this case your other half) get down on all fours and carefully cut just below the sticky stuff in each tuft (this takes hours but think how he will suffer!). it will all come off. eventually if this is repeated too often you end up with a bald carpet at which point you start to see the value of laminate...

ewe are here said...

Oh dear. They are destructive little things... Last month while I was in the shower, mine twisted off the top of a new bottle of blue antibacterial hand soap while he was sitting on the thick white bathmap right outside the shower. I didn't realize this until after I got out of the shower, of course, and found him sitting in a big puddle of blue gunk. Sigh. But at least it washed out. Nailpolish? You're going to have to cut it out of the carpet if you can.

kittenpie said...

Oh, god. Here's a tip for future - you can use washable markers to paint toes. Still cute, many fun colours, not so awful. Meanwhile, maybe it's time for hardwood? (I would find it the perfect excuse, but then I love wood, so that's me!)

sunshine scribe said...

Oh. My. God.

That is insane. But you gotta love his intro.

ECR said...

Hardwoods, anyone? ;)

That is freaking hilarious! You're laughing with us, right? Right? Er, right?

Well, maybe someday...

acumamakiki said...

She is too cute and I have a 5 1/2 year old that will be glad to show her other wicked tricks. (=
My husband decided to give my girl the entire, new box of tattoo-style bandaids and then got pist when they ended up (entire box) on her dollies. Duh! And if we were in the Bay Area (instead of LA) I'd be looking to hang with you. Soon we'll visit the Bay Area again, I lived there 10 years before the East and my husband went to grad school there.

Deezee said...

Had to share these with you following a google for nail polish out of carpet...

"Request: Nail Polish on Carpet

My ferret spilled blue nail polish on my beige carpet! How can I get it out? I tried nail polish remover but it didn't help. Can anyone help?
Dana from PA


RE: Nail Polish on Carpet

My lil one just spilled her red nail polish on my tan carpet! I sprayed it with shaving cream and let it sit for a couple minutes and wiped it up with a towel! I can't see it anymore! (05/25/2006)
By Candis

Thanks

I spilt hot pink nail polish on are carpet so we used nail polish remover, windex, shaving cream, and water. Now you can barely see it. (06/04/2006)


Wow. I'm fascinated. A ferret??? Maybe one of those tips will work. Great storytelling...

Nancy said...

Oh, No. That's definitely the case of a well-meaning dad making a poor choice. Maybe you all should stick with the clear nail polish? ;-)

Tug said...

I'm going to see my grandkids this weekend...7 yrs & 1 yr. The one year old? Will probably tear the house down by the time she starts school...I just hope it's not this weekend when I'M there to blame.

Good luck...harlot red on white...wow. Good luck. ;-)

Haley-O said...

Oh, that sucks! It's always the RED nailpolish, isn't it....

M sounds adorable!!

Pictures pictures! We want pictures!!! I have to see this crime scene!

Jenny said...

HA! I snorted a little.

"I fucked up."

At least he can admit he made a mistake. Victor woul blame me for pickig out red polish. And for having toes.

Anonymous said...

Well, at least it wasn't shit ;) that's actually what I was expecting as I was reading, maybe because I just read a hilarious post on that lovely subject (the subject of finger painting with shit) over at sweetjuniper.blogspot.com

Domestic Slackstress said...

Imagine this scenario but with my aromatherapy oils. I should have Poison Control on speed dial. I'm surprised they haven't called Child Services on me yet. They have me on file thrice.

Anonymous said...

oh my goodness! Breathe, it has to get better... you just may never see red nail polish the same again!

Lillithmother said...

LOL! Ok, it's not funny...but it is from this side of the fence! As for advice on the carpet...um...restock with clear darlin'!

Anjali said...

Not a problem. Get a whole bunch of other bright nail polish colors, have her splatter them over the floor, and call it a Pollack. Not only will you then have a lovely floor, you can brag at the playground that she is a genius artist.

Penny said...

ROFLMAO

I understand.

PunditMom said...

Or M is telling the truth and not coming up with a cover story!

you da mom said...

oohh, that's bad...your husband sounds like i did when i spilled red nailpolish on our carpet and the time i got dark brown hair dye on the walls. now, whenever i make plans to beautify myself, my husband says, "try not to ruin anything...ELSE!" too funny.

mad_hatter said...

As far as I am concerned M is a genious. She didn't drink the nail polish after all. And I like the way she covered her ass. Coping skills like that will take a girl far. Harlot red may take her farther.

Lillithmother said...

Yay, your answer is yes!!!!! As for email, sorry Jen, fixed email addy and seeing as you don't have one here...tag, you're it!