Sunday, November 12, 2006

comfortably numb

Lately I feel as if I've been on autopilot. The lights are on, the motor's humming, but nothing is really happening in between. It's the state of getting by that has nothing to do with getting to.

I am not sure what it all really means - but it feels awkward and delicate and sort of plastic. Like the artificial me - where things are bouncing off rather than soaking in, or fizzling instead of popping. Whatever function this defense mechanism is serving I've been riding with it - the rest feels a bit too challenging and that feels a bit like bullshit. But I am numb, my fingers and toes aren't sensing things like they should. The back of my throat feels dull. My brain is like a ping pong table.

I am dropping things. Forgetting things (and I usually have a brain like an elephant). Or wait, is that the animal that has a long memory? Or is that an ostrich? Maybe that's a long neck. See, this is exactly what I mean.

Does this sound familiar? The calm before what storm?

11 comments:

PunditMom said...

Is it the time of year? The Wweather? The season? The impending holiday onslaught? I wonder that for myself when I get feeling this way. Uh-oh, now I'm depressing myself.

Anonymous said...

I believe it is the normal cycle of life. We really do ourselves a disservice when we believe that we should always somehow be stimulated. Like all beings in nature, we experience desert times. I sure don't believe it indicates something bad is going to happen. It just means "sit still and listen". :)

Peace,

Thailand Gal
~*~*~

Momish said...

I ofen get this way myself. I have noticed it seems to coincide with feeling too overwhelmed. My system shuts down and goes into autopilot. The hardest part is recognizing it when it happens to take action. You seem to already hit that stage! I don't know, Jen. If this is what I go through, sometimes I almost think it is necessary to go into autopilot and rejenerate. In the past years, I have tried to stop myself from forcing more when this occurs and just allow my mental state to recover itself. It usually happens on its own. I will read something, an event will happen, something will come along and jumpstart me into action again. And, other times, I just get bored with my boring self and that gets me out of it. Knowing what I know about you so far, I would say your mind is on strike, and it just might know what is best for itself these days.

Deezee said...

I don't know if it has to do with juggling life and raising a young child. As much as I love my son, his early years was a phase where I found it hard to hold onto self. And only as he got older, did I find myself reemerging in a more concrete way.

But that was me, and I don't want to project onto you...

One thing though, no matter why you're feeling what you're feeling, giving yourself permission to just flow with it without trying to 'fix' it often helps.

Anonymous said...

I am like that all the time..but it is due to sleep deprivation and probably my meds!

I find when it gets like that, I need to mix it up a little...do something new....try something I haven't tried before...

push myself.

crazymumma said...

Well, you have been talking about possibly making a big change in your life. There is a seasonal shift as well. You also have a small child and you work and you blog and and and...
Cusp of change. hmmm. It will be intersting to see what transpires in the next little while.

Anonymous said...

I don't feel that way very often, but I know what you are talking about. And I think as others have mentioned, it is ok and perhaps it is your mind's way of regenerating before the next big leap - putting you inside a protective shell while the batteries recharge.

Hang in there and let your body do its thing - you are wise to even recognize it.

Anonymous said...

The calm before the storm of change. I know you've been talking about needing a change; you're inner system knows it, too; perhaps it's waiting for you to move in a new direction.

Take some time for yourself if you can. We all need 'me' time to think, to be...

flutter said...

If you look at the posts you've been sharing as of late, they are of some extremely intense and traumatic times in your life. It's only natural for your spirit to shut off, just a smidge, when you are purging that kind of stuff; so that you can remain sane and productive.
Be gentle with you.

Anonymous said...

i'm with flutter on this - your head is protecting you. let it...

ecm said...

You explain this feeling so well. I have definitely felt this I have no mind like an elephant lately.