a simmering pot

It's been fairly cold here. And when it's cold in California, everything goes to shit. Most of us don't own a coat or proper footwear. A bit of rain garners a "Storm Watch 2006" label streaked across local news. People actually talk about the weather unlike the rest of the time when we just take it for granted.

It burrows into the back of my head like a little bug every morning when I wake up and it's cold. Who slept outside last night? How many were unable to find shelter? I wake up, get coffee, and sit outside for a few minutes and wonder about it. It's a strange little ritual, I know.

And then, some days, well, some days are even worse. The days where you have to remove someone from a shelter, and you realize that you are not helping things at all. I've had to make these sorts of decisions many times over the years, and as a result I've been verbally and physically assaulted, threatened with litigation, harassed, and once, stalked.

It's no small thing to take away someone's basic needs. It's a last resort when it happens, but when a hundred or so folks are living together and someone insists on assaulting others, well, you've got to act on behalf of the community. But that doesn't mean I don't get how one reaches the breaking point in this type of reality, because brother, I do. I do.

Homelessness is not a perfect business, and running shelters require a lot of rules. That is why I am a fan of permanent supportive housing, but until we are able to provide more affordable housing, shelters are needed. They are truly a last resort.

I had to make one of those decisions today. And the guy, while totally blowing it in a big way, still needs a safe place to sleep. So I drove home tonight to my warm house, and my fridge full of food, and I'll still feel like an asshole, because someone is under a bridge tonight. He made sure I knew it, too. And while he may have thought I didn't care, I most certainly do.

I really hate having to make these sorts of decisions. And I wholly resent a system that has forced people into needing to live like this.