synchronicity

This morning I read Bub and Pie's post about another sort of crushing - the importance of being seen and validated for our work as mother and was really struck by how much I could relate - about how it's the hardest thing I've ever done, and how no one really notices, because it's what you are supposed to do. To use her words, it's simply commonplace.

While that may be true, I also agree it's incredibly important for others to recognize the labor that goes into our fruits. And I have not felt a lot of that - more often than not conversations are filled with have you tried this, or have you checked into that, a well-intentioned form of support that somehow further chips away at the root ofI am not doing these things right. (Not that I don't seek advice liberally, because I do).

I was reflecting on it again while driving between my office and one of our shelters when my phone rang. My parents are staying with us for the next week, a combination holiday and a lack of child care during the holidays forced their early arrival, and while I haven't much spoken of my childhood, it's easiest to sum it up by saying I never felt mothered. And more often than not, my adult relationship with my mother is tense and frustrating, a talking over each other sort of non listening yet vaguely critical yet tolerant sort of blend.

She called to ask a quick question about M, and then said some of the most important words she has ever said to me in my adult life: I was thinking this morning that you are a much better mother than I ever was. You talk to M. You listen to her. You don't get angry. You are a much better mother than I ever was.

I was taken completely aback - she's never said anything like this before and she'll never really know how much it meant for her to say it now, because it would be impossible to have that conversation without unnecessarily wounding her, and I am long past the point of needing to do that. By saying: I learned what not to do from how I was raised, or, I try to be the mother I wanted as a child - all of that would hurt, and I know now she is trying. And I know she tried all along.

So instead I said (and believe) this: Thank you. But know there is a tremendous difference between mothering at 21 and mothering at 35. I have no idea what kind of mother I would have been at 21. You did the best you knew. And she hemmed around the edges and said perhaps, and let it go. And I let her, because that is not my cross to bear.

I believe in synchronicity and our collective fine tuning. I wonder if I would have gotten that call today if I hadn't been thinking so hard about Bub's post. I'll never know.

But I like to think the universe is connected that way. That our energies are swirling and dancing around each other all of the time. And that our thoughts can move mountains. Or help each other climb them.