where i find myself strangely curious

I used to cry easily. Since M came (ok, after the first 9 months when I cried non-stop) I found that I rarely cried - that a different level of calm has settled in. But lately, I've found that has been replaced with a new sort of reaction; one where I feel a huge surge of emotion as if I could break down sobbing in the middle of the street. And it doesn't take a huge tragedy to bring this on. A woman tripping as she walks. A child being rebuffed on the playground. An older man eating alone in a restaurant. (alright, that one has always gotten to me) and the surge of emotion is so swift, so strong, and so overwhelming that I don't quite know what to make of it.

Sometimes I think it's as simple as feeling heartbroken by this world. The pain and suffering, it feels close and around and far and everywhere. And in turn I simply want to weep.

But then the tears do not come. It's like my insides runs up against itself and bounce around and can't find a way out. And sitting alongside all of this is this otherworldly calmness about the things that used to upset me, the things I like to refer to as the overly dramatic series of non-events.

I don't really know what to make of it. In fact, I am not even sure why I am writing about it (and that might be an indicator I should listen to).

A pity party, is that what this is? I hope not.

Is it? Because, KC, that would be decidely NOT money.