Monday, March 17, 2008

ashes to ashes

After 7 years of ruling the United States with a shady and well-oiled fist, the Entire Bush Administration spontaneously combusted on Friday. White House cleaning personnel all appeared to have been spared and cameras caught several of them wandering outside the rubble of what was formerly known as 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It came out of nowhere, the saute cook from the downstairs kitchen said, We heard cackling laughter and the words "Game over, you Greedy War Mongering Bastards!" and all of a sudden I was standing in a pile of rubble. But then I found six weeks severance in my pocket so I'm going to Disneyland!

The international community quickly denounced the combustion but shortly thereafter all 194 remaining countries went on record jointly stating karma is a bitch. The hastily assembled interim office includes such notables as Aung San Suu Kyi, Jeffrey Sachs, The Dalai Lama, Ralph Nader, Bono and Nelson Mandela and will remain in place to assist the new President after the November election.

A vigil on the former White House lawn is planned for 7pm EST tonight but authorities are concerned the vigil will be poorly attended due to an estimated 300 million people dancing in the streets, a spontaneous nationwide celebration that started six minutes after the news broke and is showing no signs of stopping. Shopkeepers report being out of beer and champagne in every major metro area in the nation.

In other news, Donald Rumsfield, while not technically a current member of the Bush Adminstration, has also been reported missing. Dust and ashes were found in his apartment bathroom hours ago. No word yet if his disappearance is related to the spontaneous combustion but authorities remain hopeful.

Happily contributing to this week's Monday Mission and clearly a joke, lest you Patriot Act Freakos decide to get all Guantanamo on me. Oh, and it's not quite an obituary, is it?! I'm a Monday Mission rookie.

34 comments:

Jocelyn said...

Can't believe I was here first to read this--as I was out dancing in the streets.

Blowing up balloons instead of people, you know.

Susanne said...

Very funny.

Blog Antagonist said...

Well done rookie!

Gina said...

"Game over, you Greedy War Mongering Bastards!"

HAHAHAHAHA - what a great way to start a Monday!

Mary G said...

I love the line about the spontaneous dancing in the streets.
Gloriously good fun. And you didn't twist the topic as much as I did.

Julie Pippert said...

*LOVE THIS*

Bravo! The cackling, the hastily assembled interim office, poorly attended vigil, out of champagne...and the Rumsfeld closer.

BWAHAHAHAHA

Gwen said...

"authorities remain hopeful." Hee!

Family Adventure said...

Jen, you kill me! Figuratively and all...brilliant.

Heidi

Mad said...

The saute chef was inspired. Welcome to the Monday Mission. You have nailed it all the way to its coffin.

thailandchani said...

funny... and hopefully prophetic. ::)

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Good riddance. If only this were true, I'd throw a party.

urban-urchin said...

ah yes but what about Karl Rove? To remove an abess you have to remove the casing that holds all the puss together.... He's going to resurface like a festering cyst on the ass of humanity, I feel it in my bones....

Janet said...

Nicely done.

cce said...

Bravo...this is so hopeful and apt, I can hear the soundtrack, I can see the throngs of Americans rocking in the streets for a few minutes between episodes of Oprah and As The World Turns. If only.

crazymumma said...

funny, I was just thinking taht you would have the spies breathing down your neck you hell raiser you.

fucking hilarious.

Annie said...

If Only!!!

:)

Defiantmuse said...

yes.
if only this were true.
I would be a very happy girl.
very.
happy.

:D

Cecilieaux said...

I'd quibble with your "interim team."

I'm sure Aung San Suu Kyi, The Dalai Lama, Bono and Nelson Mandela have nice intentions, but they're not U.S. citizens.

Actually, I disagree with the Dalai Lama and the whole "free Tibet" movement. The Tibetan monks ran an absolute theocracy in which almost everyone besides themselves was poor and illiterate.

Bono's tour of Africa made nice headlines, but really, did it change anything?

And why would anyone who liked Nelson Mandela or Aung San Suu Kyi want to inflict on them the job of running this country?

As to the Americans ... Ralph Nader? Puh-leeze! He's the guy who gave us Bush in the first place!

Jeffrey Sachs is the only one I'd leave in the team.

Good idea, needs a little retooling. But, hey, on everything else, I'm with you 1000% as McGovern said.

Christine said...

hey--not bad for a rookie monday missioner!



Running on empty

The Chick said...

Oh, I love this! The blog is the new political pamphlet!

nomotherearth said...

totally counts as an obituary. very clever!

meno said...

If this is a dream, i don't wanna wake up.

deb said...

Well done, if only it were true.

Denguy said...

Was it a joke--or was it a dream?

Karma is a bitch ... Freaking funny.

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Hetha said...

LOVED THIS!
I can't help but happily imagine the specifics of karmic payback for Bush and his henchmen in their lives to come.

kgirl said...

omg, i am so totally gonna start saying, 'yo - don't get all gitmo on me.'

painted maypole said...

It's FANTASTIC! hooray! fabulous first entry into Monday Missions, which are not so much about the rules, and more about inspiring a different kind of post. so... Go you! and all I have to say is "if only it were true..."

dancing in the streets, indeed

Angela said...

I wish. I really do.

Angela said...

I wish. I really do.

KC said...

Well done, woman! Spontaneous combustion's a bitch.

p.s. Home theater likes me blog too.

The Expatriate Chef said...

Perchance, to dream a little dream. :) Must be not just Monday Mission but Dubya Bashin' Monday 'cause I was musing the same topic on Sunday night. Heh. Great minds think alike — or at least both think W. is a black hole in the moral fiber of the universe.

alejna said...

It's so nice when fairy tales have happy endings...