Sunday, April 06, 2008

clearly i am spending too much time at the grocery store

I'm walking down the dairy aisle when she runs smack ass into me. She hits me with her cart and then looks at me and literally pushes my cart aside with hers (and no, I'm not blocking the aisle people). I'm not one for getting all balled up but you know, fuck you.

I totally understand why you might not believe this given my Duncan folklore of late, and to be honest, I've been at the grocery store way more than usual which has clearly upped my odds of crazy, but still.

So she's a little scary, this chick. Scary fierce in a bit older and perhaps may well be off the rocker sort of way. So I pause for a minute before saying um, seriously? You are okay with this? And she whips around ready to snarl. What did you say? Er, wait. No, fuck it. I'm tough and I can throw cheese blocks if that's how it needs to go. I said, I can't believe you are okay with what you just did.

I'll sleep just fine, it's your ass that needs to get out of the way. And off she goes. I stand there for a few minutes, another shopper glides by and shakes her head. I should have grabbed the cheese.

It's funny, because for all my smack talking, I'm kind of a chicken shit. So I don't say anything and she keeps going. But I spent the rest of the time coming up with multiple crafty, witty and piercing comebacks, none of which I said.

Such as: My ass or your face, bi-yotch? Or, I'll get my ass out of your way in a way you won't forget (now who's the big talker!) But sadly, I left the store feeling largely unfulfilled. And where is she when I need her? Or her? Someone who'd actually be able to kick some ass?

Me and grocery, we are officially on a break.

27 comments:

slouching mom said...

Her entitlement!

It's stunning.

So sorry that happened to you. Jeez...

patches said...

Nothing says confrontation like a woman with a chip on her shoulder and a cart full of ice cream and feminine hygiene products. Of course it's possible I'm reading too much into this.

painted maypole said...

frankly, i'm impressed you said anything at all. you pointed out how horribly she behaved, but then didn't sink to her level. you did great, me thinks.

kristen said...

some c-nuts are all ready to fight. i'd have gotten my ass kicked because no way will i back down in that instance. cheese block? it should have been the rochambeau all the way.

Mad said...

Shopping cart rage? This has just up-ed the ante on how messed up society is. I want to say, I just can't imagine that happening here in quiet ol' Sleepy Town but I am too smart to say something that could so totally bite me in the ass the next time in the produce aisle.

Omaha Mama said...

What you did - is way more bad ass than I could ever be. Seriously. I would have maybe cleared my throat loudly if I was feeling brave. Or sighed.
I'm in the chicken shit club. Welcome.

liv said...

LOL!!! that you linked both me and Jenny. You know, I'll be spending this Saturday morning with her royal highness, The Bloggess. And, between me, her and kiki, ain't nobody gwine mess with mah jen.

Blog Antagonist said...

Maybe she got kicked out of her Mommy 'N Me group or something similarly traumatic. Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't about you.

Sometimes I think about all the crazy that passes by us every day without touching us. It's bound to reach out and grab us now and then, and it's always disconcerting, isn't it?

You did the right thing. No sense getting into a fistfight in the dairy aisle.

Emily said...

Oh I could so relate to this. Knowing when to say something and when to just let things go...I always feel like I choose wrong.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I'm no good at coming up with quick, witty phrases when I'm flustered. In those cases I just kick the person in the vagina.

But at least you can rest easy know that she's being skewered on the internet. And psychically kicked in the vagina.

flutter said...

Dude. I am the QUEEN of supermarket kerfuffles. No, seriously.

This one time, this lady was about an inch away from me in line and was literally reaching around me to get a magazine. She hit me with her handbasket and didn't apologize. Then when I said "excuse me"

she said...are you ready?

"Well, you should get out of my way"

I took every available magazine within reach and threw them in her handbasket and then told her " Read up, bitch"

she moved to the next line :)

bgirl said...

hilarious

jennifer h said...

You handled her well. Surely there's some bad kart-ma headed her way. (Bad, I know.)

But now I want to start shopping with flutter.

Magpie said...

Yikes. Let's send Flutter to California. She could teach your fellow shoppers something!

Defiantmuse said...

I'm the same exact way.

I'll spend the entire rest of the day coming up with all the witty remarks I should have replied and kick myself for not thinking of them right there on the spot.

unless I have some drinks in me. and then the cheese would have been flying, for sure.

cce said...

Now I'm just totally offended to have not made your short list of friends you'd want with you in a girl-fight. I mean, I can fuck with mother nature. Some biatch at the grocery? She'd have been face down in the freezer section. Cause that's how I roll.
Sounds like you need to sign up for grocery delivery for awhile. It's expensive but so is high blood pressure medication.

Kyla said...

What a bitch! Geez!

And I am just like you, I think of the BEST comebacks in my head...but they never come out, until I get home and I tell Josh and we both get a kick out of them.

mamatulip said...

That's exactly how I felt when that cashier told me she didn't have to listen to mothers because she was a grandmother.

Some people spend their whole lives riding on entitlement.

Julie Pippert said...

GREAT SCOTT!

Must stink to live in her world. Sorry yours collided with hers.

Don't worry. I'm sure you regret your leaving it there MUCH LESS than I regret times I do NOT leave it there. :)

QT said...

Oh jen -too funny! FWIW, I would have said something too...

crazymumma said...

dude, and me? what am I liverwurst. I could have taken her down but good.

That said. There is a place for non confrontation.

Sizzle said...

I guess I missed that gene that makes me be void of conscience. I don't understand people like her!

nyjlm said...

dude, I so hope that your dh/so is taking over shopping for the next few weeks. you deserve a break from the madness!
I'm just back from ten days away, and reading your posts in backwards order- by the time I got to the birth in the cake mix aisle I was holding my sides.

Ally said...

So strange! But I'll take that to having to deliver a baby in the aisle any day!

Kelley said...

I broke up with the grocery store two weeks ago. You can tell because I am down to a can of tomatoes, a boxed soup mix, a half-bag of lettuce, some frozen broccoli, and butter.

I keep trying to hold out. I might have to cave and kiss and make up tonight.

Amy Y said...

Please tell me that people like this really don't exist!!

I think I might have "accidentally" had to run over her pinkie toe with the wheel on my shopping cart.. or something equally as cowardly :)

Joker The Lurcher said...

tell you what, jen. next time something like that happens you say to the lady "if you don't say sorry right now, i will get joker the lurcher to come and piss on your foot." the lady will not know that joker the lurcher would have to get on a plane to perform this service. she will go away puzzled and slightly anxious. and maybe put on her wellies when she gets home...