Sunday, August 31, 2008

a secret corner


I am taking part in Catherine's Betchfest, an exchange geared at allowing bloggers to have a safe place to vent outside their own space and as such I have agreed to host another woman's post on my blog. She's asked to remain anonymous, but I am sure you'll be as moved as I am by her words and I applaud her courageousness in allowing her voice to speak here. I am sure she'd appreciate your comments about her post.

I am 11 weeks postpartum. Eleven weeks out from what I’m coming to realize was a truly a difficult, difficult pregnancy.

Throughout this pregnancy we moved house and into what would become a very stressful tenant/landlord situation, our son turned two and caught a violent strain of the rotavirus, landing him in the pediatric intensive care unit for five days, then a month later had tubes put in his ear. I vomited every day and gained only nine pounds. My husband filed bankruptcy and we unplugged our phone after my anxiety attacks came like waves every time the phone rang.
And here we are. Our beautiful daughter is a treasure and I love her with every ounce of my being. But those were some horrible ten months.

And now, my husband feels entitled to remind me that I was mean, and crazy, and unhappy, and complaining all the time. Here I am struggling with what I suspect is becoming a bout with my old friend depression and my husband must hold over my head what a burden I am, emotionally and financially.

In just this last week, he went to the movies, to a ball game, to the bar with my visiting brother. Last week he was gone all weekend at a bachelor party. And then he told me that I ask for too much. All I wanted was an hour to read a book at a coffee shop, alone. But we don’t have the money. Not even for a cup of coffee.

He hasn’t been kind to me. He’s miserable in his job. He carries the load of supporting our family, which we both felt was best. But the price these days has gone up, and I’m paying with my self-esteem and self-worth. To be reminded that I don’t bring an income in, to be made to feel as though I am less deserving of personal time, to be made to feel as a second class citizen in my home… fuck that shit.

And fuck you for saying I was mean, or unsupportive, or cranky, or insulting me because I didn’t want to have sex. I was vomiting and physically disabled. Thanks for your support.

I gave everything every single day to raising our son. There was very little left over for myself or for my husband. I did the best I could.


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23 comments:

Immoral Matriarch said...

I am so, so very sorry that you've had to deal with that. At one point in my own marriage I could have written this post.

I hope it improves for you, I really wish you the best. You deserve to be happy.

Mary said...

Aw, shit.
Fucking men.

I have no wisdom at all for you. Just support. Hang in there.

Magpie said...

Big hug to you, and I'm sorry that you had to (have to) deal with that. And I'm glad that Jen gave you a home.

Karen said...

oh dear - you know, you are right to be angry. Keep in touch with the truth serum. it will help you.
take care of yourself -even before those sweet kids sometimes! they get their strength from you - feed yourself, body and soul.
hoping for things to shift in a good way for you.

Major Bedhead said...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with such ass-hattery. I hope he comes to his senses soon because you don't deserve to be treated that way. Not at all.

Walking With Scissors said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with all of this. It's hard when your partner doesn't understand just how much your body and mind go through during pregnancy, childbirth and afterward. I doubt men could do it. The hormones enough could knock Andre the Giant to his knees. I hope things get better and that your husband lets go of the anger and control issues. ((hugs)) Best of luck to you and your family.

Redneck Mommy said...

Wow. I could have wrote this post at one point in my early marriage.

Luckily, things improved dramatically with my marriage. I wish the same for you.

Good luck. And be good to yourself. Your kids need it.

Jill said...

Oh honey. I don't know what to say. You have every right to be pissed off. Sounds like your husband is bitter about attention being taken away from him, which doesn't say much for him as a father. I hope he snaps out of it soon, for your sake, your kids' sake and his!

Don Mills Diva said...

I think a lot of us could have written this at one time or another. Men really don't get how intense the infant stage is for us, they just don't.

I really hope things get better for you.

mitzh said...

I feel and totally understand you.

Hoping that things will turn out just fine. Wishing you happiness as well. Take care!

Kyla said...

Oh you. That sounds very difficult. I hope he realizes what he's got and starts to appreciate you. You bring a lot to your family, to your relationship...even if it isn't monetary. You are valuable.

carrie said...

Like a lot of people have already said, I've been somewhat close to being in your shoes early on in my marriage too - and it does get better. But please don't be afraid to get the help or support you need if you need it. You don't have to do it alone, there are people who will help.

I am glad you were able to get this out here, in a safe environment.

Pgoodness said...

Do you have anyone at all that can watch the kids for you just so you can step away for an hour or two?

Fine, he's miserable, and fine he carries the load of monetary support, but he needs to understand that you are carrying the load of parental support (WAY harder, fyi). I think it's time to sit him down and have a frank discussion of how you feel - I'm hoping he truly doesn't realize what he's doing/saying and how it hurts you.

Hang in there - it's tough when you go from one to two; it's even tougher when you don't have the support you need.

verybadcat said...

What you are doing is worth more than any amount of money. Hopefully at some point your husband will realize this. Until he does, I think it's time to find a friend or a church group or someone to take those babies for few hours so you can get some time for yourself.

I also think you deserve an allowance, even if the circumstances dictate that it's some paltry amount- it might be enough for a cup of coffee and a paperback book. I would fight hard on this one point, if you don't think he's ready to see the rest of it.

Your kids will grow to recognize and appreciate your sacrifice. I know that's little help right now, but as a grown child, I can tell you, they will thank you someday.

meno said...

It's just so difficult to get someone to see things from another point of view, yours.

I see it quite clearly however.

crazymumma said...

I lived this post. I think it is awful how some men behave. And it takes a true toll on the future trust.

I hope he comes to his senses and does some major makeup and maturing.

The Super Bongo said...

I'm sorry. You clearly don't deserve this treatment.

PeterAtLarge said...

Such a sad--and sadly familiar--story. I wish you BOTH the happiness you deserve, for to do otherwise would only make things worse. Your husband's unhappiness, it seems to me, grows out of his ignorance and inability to see beyond his own needs. In this, he's not unlike an awful lot of human beings of both sexes--not excluding myself, in my bad moments! In wishing him happiness, I believe that implies some serious learning on his part. Thanks for writing this poignant and deeply instructive entry.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry your husband is such a jerk. Mine too. Are there any nice ones out there? Are we better off alone?

Brenda Jean said...

I have to agree with Peteratlarge. You are having a tough time--this does not give him an excuse to act this way. You deserve better, your son deserves better. Your husband needs to understand this is a PARTNERSHIP. Tell him how you feel, if you have, tell him again. Do not let him turn the conversation away from his actions. I hope you know in your heart that you deserve better.

The Mrs. said...

I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Motherhood is one of the most difficult jobs and the most underpaid. I hope your husband comes to his senses to realize what a great woman you are and that you are taking on the toughest job of all.
It took a lot of courage to write that post. I hope, by the time you read this comment, things are much better in your home.

Velma said...

I'm so sorry it has come to this point, and I hope it improves soon. I hope you have someone you can ask to watch the kids for a little bit, just to get a break away from them, and him. It sucks when someone (men) can't see past their own stress and empathize just the smallest bit, when all it would take sometimes for us to get through the day is a few kind words.

Rachel said...

I feel ya...Pregnant and having a hard time. However, my husband knows that should he ever udder a word such as your ungrateful husband did he would surely die in his sleep...Good luck to you and you tell that man how you feel...Being a SAHM is not an easy job, in fact its the hardest one I have ever had.