Thursday, September 11, 2008

cryptic at best

I've been so tired. Busy. Working really hard on something that finally came to fruition this week. I want to scream and yell and tell you all about it. It's good. But it had a price. Everything costs in small or large amounts. One foot here, more like half my body and three quarters of my mind but parts are crossing over. Drifting south. It's closer and yet it's not quite close enough. Two more months we think. Two. It's not entirely up to us.

But back to the other. So much talking. Cajoling even. I am not so good at cajoling yet I find myself wanting to be cajoled. No one tells you so much of this is really up to you. Two steps forward. One half step back.

I have been absent. I know it. You do too. I had some guests here holding down the fort and they did a lovely job didn't they? Shined some lightness into dusty spaces. There's more. I miss you. Bon had her baby. Her little girl. I sat here smiling about that for the longest time.

Seven years ago I was in the State capital. I was in a hotel but I can't remember which one. A friend on another floor, the man whose performance we were there to see called us early. Turn on the TV he said. We've been attacked. The person I was with thought he was joking, in the hazy still sleeping early dawn he hung up the phone and turned over and muttered just loudly enough for me to hear. I knew my friend's humor, this wasn't it. I turned on the TV. We didn't go back to sleep. My friend stood up a few hours later and spoke to 500 people about peace and tolerance. Coincidentally he was supposed to talk about peace and tolerance. They considered cancelling but he said the show would go on. The show must go on. Today more than ever we needed to hear what he had to say. Everyone was crying and we sat in the front row. My friend, this person I love he looked at me during his performance, he held my eye for the longest time but all I could see was smoke and all he could think about was the family he hadn't yet been able to reach. We didn't sleep for a long time after that. We still need to wake up.


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15 comments:

Karen said...

jen, there is good news on many fronts (especially Bon's baby) - but as you said, we are just not close enough.

slouching mom said...

yes. we still need to wake up.

exactly that.

crazymumma said...

I maintain that the majority of peace and tolerance comes from all of the little people.
Us.
We with laundry to fold. Mouths to feed, mundane details that take our time.

Those big boys (and some girls)? They are the ones who need to wake up

Beck said...

Perfect.
I was heavily pregnant with The Boy when it happened and cried in front of the tv all day, holding my belly.

flutter said...

love you

Janet said...

I nursed a two week old all day in front of the tv, crying and crying until my husband made me turn it off. It was more than post partum. I still cry.

I'm glad that what you have been working so hard for has come to fruition. Take care of your life. We'll see you when we see you.

QT said...

Sometimes baby steps are the only progress we can make, even when we really want leaps and bounds...

Aliki2006 said...

I've missed you...

As the person before me said so well--baby steps.

motherbumper said...

Exactly - we all need to wake up. xo

Mad said...

This is going to sound very odd indeed, Jen, but here it goes. The way you've been this last little while--the there but not there aspect of it. Sometimes it feels to me that given your line of work and the things you see and the stress you bear, you are like some kind of animal in advance of the Tsunami. You have this primal fear that is linked to an uncanny knowing of what's to come. Like all wise animals, you are trying so desperately to get out, to get yourself to higher ground.

It's an odd and maybe even off-putting analogy but it is lovingly and most respectfully spelled out.

Madge said...

i hope we wake up...

Amy Y said...

Yes, yes we do need to wake up.

painted maypole said...

i was deep in rehearsals for a show that would open that weekend - about tolerance. For middle school students, but hey... that hate starts early, you know? unforutanately, you do.

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Wayfarer Scientista said...

jen, you and me both - absent altogether too much and missing everyone out here. At least you've had some guests. But we will be back, we're not gone for good. I know you will have lots of stories when you've got your feet newly planted.