Thursday, September 18, 2008

A master's thesis on the use of profanity as a literary device

My girl Christine wrote a guest post for me a few weeks ago when I was drowning but our lines got crossed and I didn't get it till now. Thank you C, you had me cracking up over this. Read on and you'll see what I mean.

I am a cusser.

My personal foray into the land of the profane, began at a very early age when I turned to my best friend's mother and asked: "Will you stop being a twat?". Now mind you, at the age of 7 I had no idea what twat meant, nor was I really prepared to find out. OH but DID I EVER. With diagrams. Twat quickly fell out of my vocabulary.

My mother, bless her cute little soul, comes from the direct opposite camp of verbal expression than I. The harshest words you will generally hear come out of my mother's mouth are "hell" and "damn". They are usually structured into a sentence something like "Christine, that mouth of yours is going to damn you to hell!". She is enormously sensitive to bad words, and she may be just a little adverse to, oh, I don't know....taking Jesus' name in vain. Once, when my mother came to visit I had to work, so my fiance took her sight seeing. Somewhere in the midst of driving someone cut him off. Knowing her meltdown ability at strong language, he exclaimed "Jesus Christ!".

My mother, sensing her chance to save him from the lightning bolt that was surely about to slice the car in two, jumped in "Is Lord, praise him!!" without missing a beat. Needless to say, my blue streak does NOT come from her.I am the only living person that has ever made my mother so angry that she spelled out a curse word. In my completely tame (ie totally out of fucking control) teen years I shook my mother to her core. In a fit of rage, rarely seen in the females of the species my mother's fists balled up and she spat "S.H.I.T and I mean SHIT!!". This singular expression lives long in the annals of our family history. One year that was all I left as a greeting on her answering machine for her birthday.

My particular favorites are varied depending upon the occasion, and I reject that cursing is a sign of an inferior intellect. I mean, anyone who can weave together such lowbrow expressions into something solid, descriptive, and artistic? Well that's just amazing as shit. A well placed "Asshole!" along with the brandishing of the traffic finger? Better. Than. Booze. Calling someone a douche? Classic teenage name calling, taken to a transcendant level. Slipping a "fuck" in, under the radar? Come on, people, that is the stuff of legend!

Like when someone once said I was a pain in the ass to deal with and I smiled, and replied "That's a shame, you're a pleasure. Fuckyouvery much and have a wonderful day!" Does communication GET any better than that? Does it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPlfDIcjrVI

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."-Anais Nin


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20 comments:

kristen said...

this was best damn post i've ever fucking read. word to the sailor.

Shania said...

Asswipe is my personal favorite. Along with telling people to shit and fall in it. I know it doesn't make sense, but I do enjoy saying it.

Sober Briquette said...

OH! NO! I think "hide and go fuck yourself" has just latched onto my psyche.

I have a friend I have known since H.S. who,when she finds out I'm down, will always remind me of our ultimate philosophy: FFFTW, which means Fuck, Fuck, Fuck The World. Thing is, I can only remember what two of the Fucks stand for.

Maggie, Dammit said...

OMG I WANT TO KIDNAP CHRISTINE'S MOM AND PUT HER IN A LITTLE CAGE IN MY ROOM AND LISTEN TO HER SPELL SWEARS.

I'm serious. I'm so serious about this I'm abusing Caps Lock.

This is fucking hysterical.

furiousBall said...

I'm from Jersey, and besides all of us being in the mob and loving the ever-loving fuck out of Bruce Springsteen - we friggin' love cursing.

Jill said...

Oh for the love of Christ! That is the fucking funniest thing I have read in a long time. You know you're in for something good when the story starts out with a 7 year old tossing out "twat." Thanks. I need that!

Magpie said...

Tell C that she needs one of these:

http://www.flippinsweetgear.com/brand/cap.flippin_sweet-269750832.-.4+fuck-you-you-fucking-fuck-cap.html

painted maypole said...

one day my mother was painting a ceiling and she swore and the WHOLE FAMILY CAME RUNNING certain she had broken something on her own person OR very expensive, as she never, ever swore. She had dripped paint on the lightbulb.

but spelling it out? that is priceless!

mamatulip said...

I love this post, C - I can relate to much to it. My mother was the same way and I am just like you; I laughed so hard when I read about what she tacked on to your fiance's reaction in traffic that I had a coughing fit.

alejna said...

Ah, that was brilliant. Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.

flutter said...

My mom is the sweetest little thing, she cracks me up. Thanks for letting me fuck with your space, jen :p

QT said...

Telling someone to shit and fall in it? That might be my second new favorite.

Because spelling out shit is absolutely my new favorite!!

gumdropsandbubblethoughts said...

This a brilliant post. love it!

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/09/five-star-friday-edition-24.html

"A" ...aka kick ass mama said...

that was great! found you on five star friday. my fav these days has to be shitfuck. and yes, that's the way i spell it. i like to talk like a trucker AND spell like i've never seen the inside of a school. i think it's why my mom doesn't read my blog anymore.

She said...

The F word is my favorite! : )

That video was hysterical!

Great writing!

Jerri Ann said...

We must be sisters because we definitely have the same mother. I can't remember even hearing my mother spell a curse word except......you know, everyone's human and there's always that one elusive word that manages to slip through her tongue....and when she said it, our world basically just stopped turning.

I had just had major back surgery and was being an anal pain in the ...ass. I honestly tell this story usually when praising my therapist and psychiatrist and it goes something like this, "someone was going down, I was in such a bad place and someone, my mother, my husband, my kids...someone was going down...if dr. so and so hadn't rescued me...blah"

Anyway, in the middle of one of the arguments when I was in the process of damning her, she said, "you do not have to use those damn words all the time"....she didn't mean "damn words" she meant use words like damn....

Later when I told someone this story in front of my mother, my mother said, "yea, someone was going down and I thought it was going to be me"

Z said...

I learned my swearing from my father, who was an inventive blasphemer. I swear a lot more than anyone else in the family. My younger son never does. When he was a little boy he used to call me 'swear queen' and it was humorous but not a compliment, you know?

Over here, a popular euphemism for 'shit' as a curse word is 'sugar'. Eileen, who works for Al, uses it regularly. When she's really swearing, she exclaims 'Sugar Plum Fairy' which always cracks me up.

Very enjoyable post, thanks!

jess said...

Nice, Flutter! You crack me up. Also I think our moms might be related, my 14 yr old brother punched me in the face one time and she was more upset about the fact that I'd said "bad words" to him.

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