Monday, September 08, 2008

re-leif required

The last but in no way the least of my guest posters is Katie from Motherbumper. I met Katie for the first time at BlogHer, but prior to that everyone and their mother (heh, get it, Mother) kept asking me if I knew her and when I met her I understood why immediately. She automatically felt like home. And for what it's worth, I think she's got great hair.

Yo, it's Motherbumper here and I have no idea why I would start my guest post with a "yo" considering I'm about as in touch with my street-side as I am with my inner-nucleur physicist, but it felt like a good way to kick it to the K-side over here. K being katie as in motherbumper. Anyhow....
Before I left for San Francisco in July to attend the non-stop hug&plug fest that was occasionally littered with mud&fug but still wouldn't miss it for the world party called BlogHer, I decided to get my hair done.

Not just washed, cut, and blow-dried, I wanted something different. Something I could work with. My Wednesday Addams-style stringy locks just weren't cutting it.

Isn't it strange how thin, stringy, limp locks never look good except if you're a model who looks like an addict that weighs 70lbs soaking wet, is six feet tall, and has the help of some man who charges hundreds of dollars per hour and can purposefully made your hair look that way?
Blah hair women of the world who are of average height and like to wear their hair long need to unite - we need to have an uprising - or at least find a manageable up-do or make turbans acceptable even if you don't own a yacht and smoke cigarettes with a long-ass filter. *deep breath*

ANYHOW - I gots mah hair cut and decided to get bangs.

SHE BANGS! SHE BANGS! OH... she doesn't know the words. See how much I loved my bangs? I look delirious and mildly deranged. Usually I'm just dour with a side of disgust.

Anyhow, the new style totally had to include bangs because they hide a multitude of sins and crevices in my forehead. And now that I'm close to 40, I've succumbed to the media monster and want to hide the sins and crevices. And buy a Ford.

After making the bang-plunge, I was pleased. Sure, it meant whipping out my straightening iron every morning, but only for a two-minute job - even my super-lazy ass could deal with that kind of upkeep.

But then something happened in the past six weeks.
My hair had the nerve to grow.
And let me tell you, I now LOVE/HATE my hair.

Why?


Love because it still hides the sins of years past that might include sun, lack of sunscreen, perhaps some smoking, and maybe not wearing sunglasses when standing directly in aforementioned sun without aforementioned sunscreen. Did I mention smoking?

Hate because these bangs have suddenly taken on a life of their own. To wit: I woke up the other morning looking like Sonny Crockett... or maybe it was Ricardo Tubbs - never could keep those f**kers straight - but I was mad. No wait - it wasn't Crockett or Tubbs... more like a Leif Garrett feather-backed (or is that feathered-back?) quality that makes me weep.

Why do I weep? I weep because it does it on it's own. I fix it before leaving the house in the afternoon morning but then I catch a glimpse in a reflective surface while out and about AND THERE IT IS. Crockett & Tubbs meets Leif Garrett on a small Irish chick in the year 2008.

NOT PRETTY.

So I did what any of you cheap bastards like me would do - I bought scissors. Yes, when other [a.k.a. normal] people would have gone for another trim, I choose to splash out $4 on sharp pointy scissors figuring how hard could it be to cut bangs?

Stop laughing.
SERIOUSLY - STOP LAUGHING - I thought the blogosphere was all about support for your fellow sistah-friend - why are you all still laughing? Bang cutting seems relatively simple, no?

OK - it's only fair that you laugh because I'd be laughing at a fool like me.
So yes, I tried cutting it myself and now it feathers even worse.

I took the photo above this morning and as you can see, my transformation into a seventies teen heart throb is complete. I guess now I'll just sit and wait for the meth years. F*%K.
Send help because Jose Eber keeps ignoring my calls.

I'd like to thank Jen for contributing to why I need bangs and for giving me this space to rant on such a superficial topic - you know, because she's so damn superficial, just like me.

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12 comments:

Mac and Cheese said...

Not bad! I think that you may be able to bring back the feathered look!

for a different kind of girl said...

As fate would have it, when my bangs get all freaky, I think I look like Kristy McNichol. This means we can start dating!

I respect your attempts at cutting your own bangs. I have a teeny tiny forehead and the thought of cutting my own bangs and accidently leaving them uncovered scares the hell out of me!

Heather said...

I'm tempted to shave all mine off and match my 3-month-old. I bet people wouldn't coo at me and say how adorable I am though, so that's a downer.

Kyla said...

I mean, WOW, you really look like Leif in that last photo. It is UNCANNY! ;)

Janet said...

I will always have bangs because my forehead is, shall we say, expressive. I could easily hold a deck of cards in the rivets between my eyebrows. I also regularly cut my own bangs. Sometimes I weep afterwards, but just a little bit.

Angie said...

Hi! I’m a research assistant currently doing research on the use and influence of mommy blogs and found your blog to be one of the top fifty blogs that came up from an online search. I’m looking to find out generally the characteristics of those whose blogs are identified in the top fifty blogs. Can I email you a quick demographic survey? Sorry I have to post this as a comment. I don’t see your email address anywhere. Feel free to email me if you don’t want to post it.

Thanks for your time! And for your blog work!

-Angie Fisher

Jerri Ann said...

No bangs no bangs no bangs ever...I've been without bangs for 20 years and it is the greatest thing ever...never let that little artsy fartsy girl with the scissors talk you into bangs..

Tracey said...

Oh dear... Just, oh, dear....

mamatulip said...

Oh, the experiences I've had with bangs...very, very few of them have been good. You're braver than I.

Denguy said...

I was more into Farrah than Leif.

IRISHKAT said...

Oh girl... didn't you get the memo? STEP. AWAY. FROM. THE. SCISSORS. They only cause harm and anguish (and bad feathering hair).

Sara Mu said...

I was recently told by my hairstylist to cut my bangs to hide my melasma and freckles. It was a super low moment -fo sho- so it's funny to read your own experience with hiding years of smoking and sun (fun). I might just have to do it now...