Tuesday, December 30, 2008

because this is what I do

It's what I've always done.  In times of great-freaking-out, I turn inward.  I tell you I am fine and I retreat. I stop writing, talking, commenting (have you noticed yes you have).  

Because I've done this to myself.  No one is making me move to the jungle.  But with less than three weeks at the only job I've really ever known, while packing up so much and taking so very little, trying to stay calm and present while ordering mosquito netting or cancelling subscriptions or unrolling canvas from frames or figuring out how to sell my car or you know, hey, any number of things.

I've never been good at asking for help. If you ask me I will say I am fine. Because I'm also terribly excited and life is really good.  Because we have no idea what we are doing and because we have a semi-decent plan.  Because I don't know what else to do so I do nothing because everything is done and there's so much left to do.  Because being quiet is easier. Because I want to drive off down a highway alone for hours on end. Because I am a chicken.  Because I am brave. Because I am both at a loss and full of myself.

So this is what I've always done.  Radio silence interspersed with hey everything is fine.  Liar, liar pants on fire but if no one is looking does it really count?  How will you know if I don't tell you.  Saying it aloud makes it so.  I am both amazon and little person.  I am purple.  I am circular. I am. Still here.

Because this is what I do.  


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31 comments:

Anonymous said...

breathe

it's all good

(btb- i'm purple and circular too ;^)

Defiantmuse said...

yes, he is. though he's good at hiding it.

and, dude. ask. if you need too. anytime. I'm here. always.

xo

Defiantmuse said...

btb, I'm already collecting things for y'all first care package and it will definitely contain a little mosaic necklace for M.

Indigo Virgo said...

It's hard to ask for help when you don't exactly know what you need, when you're still trying to get a handle on the burden so you can't figure out how to shift it without it all falling down. Breaking down a problem internally until it is in manageable bits seems very healthy. I mean, pizza is great, but pretty hard to eat if it hasn't been cut in wedges.

thailandchani said...

This makes complete sense. The real changes do bring about those times of retreat.




~*

hypoglycemiagirl said...

Oh, that sounds familiar. I'm getting better but still a long way to go. Good luck with the list of things to do before leaving. Moving is always stress-inducing!

kristen said...

purple power all the way.

all these words here are exactly why it's going to be good, really good. xo

Oh, The Joys said...

And this is one of the ways that you are just like the rest of us.

Karen said...

I know I didn't go to the jungle, but I DID sell my house and everything I owned and set off to see the United States in a travel trailer. Honey, what you are feeling is normal. You have spent all your life in one place, and are setting out on a fabulous adventure, not knowing in advance what to expect. You can do it. If no one could, Christopher Columbus would have never left Spain.

Madge said...

yeah. ok. that's me. but you said it better. I love this - "i am both amazon and little person. i am purple. i am circular. i am. still here."

perfect. stay strong.

Kyla said...

Of course we miss you, but life changing move to the jungle is a pretty good excuse for radio silence.

Don Mills Diva said...

I was just talking to hubby about what you are doing and how much we admire it - it's still a dream for us...

KC said...

You've been understandably quiet. But, adventures await and you already promised to be in touch so we'll be right here waiting for each update and to embrace you in our virtual hugs. And, hey, if you ever decide that you are done with the jungle, just come back. You can hang out in DC for awhile at the KC residence and visit the Obamas. xoxo

Lawyer Mama said...

Purple and circular. I like that.

Mwah!

deezee said...

Anticipation can often be the hardest part, eh? I so understand the inward retreat, but I do hope that when the adventure is underway (okay, I guess it is underway), we will get all the luscious details. :)

crazymumma said...

and you assume that tehe people who have been reading your ass for a few years did not already know this about you?

crazymumma said...

and you assume that tehe people who have been reading your ass for a few years did not already know this about you?

wheelsonthebus said...

You would be a freak if you didn't feel this way right now.

QT said...

I can't imagine feeling any other way, given what you are about to embark on. Truly.

Ally said...

Sweet Jen, thank you for speaking these words. My thoughts are with you. I hope you know it's okay to grieve what you are leaving behind, even while you embrace what lies ahead. xoxo

hele said...

"I am both at a loss and full of myself."

This describes so closely how I have been feeling lately. Thank you sister*

While I can easily give voice to my fears, my hopes are so fluid in their manifestations that I find myself not wanting to still their movements with words.

And then I think why blog about my fears only?

flutter said...

well, quit being such a liar, liar face mc liarpants! ;p

You do what you need to do and know that we are all here, (duh, esp me) when you are ready to talk

Magpie said...

I wish I could help. Hard though, being in NEW YORK and all. But, you're strong and competent and it will all come together. It will.

cce said...

And you'll do it if only for the sake of M, you'll put on the brave, I-know-exactly-what-I'm doing-face and just carry it off because she needs you to be confident and you can and will for her if not for yourself. Sometimes I think it's the unknown that's the scariest. Once you get there and you're in the mix, you'll have no time to fret or regret or otherwise spin and churn. It won't be long.

luckyzmom said...

Sounds normal to me. Breathe.

ewe are here said...

I'd be shocked if you weren't quietly freaking out. But I'd also be shocked if you didn't head south in a few weeks with your family and thrive. Because it's where your heart wants to be right now... so it's the right thing.

May the New Year bring you and yours much joy.

Jennifer said...

It's waht I do, too (it's what I'm doing right now, for my own reasons) so I completely get it. You've been on my mind though -- I'll e you soon. You know, we'll be within walking distance of you in March?!

mamatulip said...

I do the same thing. I have a very very hard time NOT withdrawing and turning inward during times of stress or freaking-out. And many other people I know do the same thing so I have come to the conclusion that it's perfectly normal.

Wayfarer Scientista said...

You're a mobius strip! (Okay, I'm a dork). Anywho, wishing you the best and hoping to hear from you when you surface again in your new digs.

painted maypole said...

through the silence you have been in my htoughts and prayers... because I can only begin to fathom what a life change you are going through, and I would not expect anyone, even one so brave and wonderful as you, to not feel shook up about it all.

ms chica said...

You are in good company.