Monday, January 26, 2009

tick tock

It's hard to explain, not having a home. We are safe of course, all of our belongings tucked into my parent's garage and the three of us in one room.  Living out of bags is kind of like being on vacation, that's nothing new.  Not having to go back to work, well that one I can sort of comprehend, the reality of it not quite hitting me as hard as it should.  

But not going back, that one is hardest.  Turning your brain away from what you know and the direction you look when remembering where you are from.  The in between of feeling like you are on vacation and waiting for the next chapter to begin.  The quiet knowing that you don't know anything at all.

We've made lists.  We've packed and repacked.  We are trying to control what we can in the face of the futile reminder that we have no idea what we are doing and that extra box of bandaids won't fix it anyways.  

I'm not able to get around as much as I'd like right now, access is limited and so is privacy.  I am routineless and nervous but overall feeling okay.  Somewhere inside of that I know it's bullshit, because I don't really see how I can not be imploding and am fairly sure it's on a timer somewhere, ticking it's way to the surface.  I'm keeping watch though, for now I'll keep on keeping watch.

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17 comments:

Bob said...

Maybe you can use this time as a coushion - time to grieve for the life you're leaving, but also a time to get excited about finally living your dream. This time and the drive down will provide the bridge in your memories, your emotions, from who you were to who you want to be.

Celebrate it, this time, this adventure. You are achieving something few of us do.

patches said...

The remembering where you came from, is the one a tend to discard, not out of irreverence of those left behind, but the joy of starting over concealed the past with smoke and mirrors. Not healthy.

You are following your dream, enjoy it for what it is.

alejna said...

This limbo time must be so odd. You've been so busy for so long getting ready for this move in so many ways. A bit of an implosion wouldn't be unreasonable.

Krysten said...

I found your blog a few weeks ago, and I'm sending you tons of good vibes for your new journey! I can't even fathom what you must be feeling. I just know that your plans are amazing, I'm impressed, thrilled, enthralled, and hopefully my two little boys and I will be moving somewhere in your Cen. Am. neighborhood in the next five years or so (that's the plany, anyway!) Good luck, and enjoy sponging all this craziness up!!

bgirl said...

i've got butterflies for you.

meno said...

Man, you kill me with your courage. Whatever happens, you are out there giving your dreams a whirl.

Not many of us can say that.

Kyla said...

I'm proud of you. I love that you can step out and do something like this...I'm not made of that sort of stuff, but I do admire it.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

This is amazing. You are amazing.

flutter said...

maybe there is no implosion because this is perfect.

Cold Spaghetti said...

This is making me think of that Sesame Street song "Between".

Too much excitement and change and adrenaline to process reality. You're between.

We're cheering you on to the next step!!!

Little Monkies said...

We are all here if you need us, in any way. Having moved a lot, I finally figured out letting myself feel things and not trying to pretend everything was ok was the best way for me to move through change. Sometimes it's like a rubber ball set off in a room. You are doing the right thing listening on the inside.

Hugs to you, I will miss you so!

Gwen said...

One day at a time, babe. You'll be okay.

Janet said...

Frankly, I would be a little worried if you weren't freaking out on some level. It's big change! But exciting as hell.

carrie said...

It'll be ok, you were meant to do this.

I wanted to also thank you for your insight into helping us prepare the meal for the homeless. We've picked a date, 3/01/09 (which is also my oldest's bday) and we've rounded up people to help. I couldn't have done this without you.

Keep in keepin' on family of jen. Much, much love and good wishes to all of you.

Christine said...

the future is bright my love. glowing.

hele said...

oh, that space between what was and what is to come is nothing magic with all its fierce beauty and unknown forces.

I send you a enchanted wolf to run next to you as you travel through unknown lands.

Happy Heifer said...

I just found your blog good luck on your journey!! I really enjoy your blog. I am extremely adventerous, change is very comforting to me.
www.happyheiferhouse.blogspot.com