Thursday, April 09, 2009
So here we are, 48 hours back with 9 of them spent at the medical center. The doctors there have been incredibly kind, somehow hearing the story of a crazy third world hospital experience compelled them to move quickly, we were referred and referred throughout the day and J's surgery has already been scheduled. But no matter how fast things go it looks like we are here for a month and that's just if everything goes okay.
It feels stagnant, the thought of that, mostly because here we already feel like fish out of water. Our life in the jungle, no matter how imperfect was moving forward, hard work and good work and we were finding our groove. Now I feel a bit aimless, reconnecting but disconnected. Out of sorts. There's a subtle hum here, a fast paced sort of energy whether on the freeway or in a store, things are so bright and shiny and loud. I went to the grocery store yesterday and when I walked in I sort of gasped, things are so perfect inside and there are so many choices. I wandered the produce section and bumped into the guy stocking the pears. Everything looks so perfect here I said and he smiles, probably thinking I've lost my mind. But even being gone so briefly forces me to realize all we take for granted, that most of the world has no reflection here, that in other places you buy what's available and the choices are small. We just don't realize how much we have no matter how many times we tell ourselves how lucky we are. But I wonder if it's really lucky at all.
So we'll be aimless and we'll struggle with that, we aren't really wanting to be here and it feels like a setback, the groceries I bought cost more than an entire week in the jungle, our budget is narrow and these unnecessary expenses makes us pause. And that's not the only thing, I have long had a couple of somatic complaints, both of which disappeared when we moved and barely two days here they are back en force, something I can't quite figure out.
So mostly I'm whining, it's hard to see the trees no matter what people say.