Friday, May 01, 2009

rewind

We head back next week.  I am ready and I am not ready, coming back meant so many things became easier, from bathing to laundry to eating to sleeping. Easier means more comfortable and I am like a baby lulled into a state of complacency here, where I can leave food on the counter for as long as I wish and fall asleep uncovered by nets.  Leaving so soon means my life there had not yet become normal so going back is almost like starting all over again. I've known this all along, ever since the moment I realized we'd have to fly back and yet I ignored it for awhile but here we are now, it's time to cowboy up and it's time to go.

And yet I am excited. The whirlwind of the past month still ringing in my ears, the hospitals and lack of privacy, the freeways and the massive grocery aisles.  I think I could fit every single crappy market in our whole jungle town into one Safeway here.  

It makes a girl think.  Sometimes it's hard to separate the truth from the bullshit. Questions like what is this all for really and what are we supposed to be doing and how much does my consumerism hurt someone I've never even met.  

When we get back we are starting a food forest on our land.  I'd rather call it a garden but J assures me it's not.  It's rather a wild mass of vegetation where all the plants grow together in some sort of harmony.  I can't quite picture it but then again I can't quite picture most of what we've done since January so instead we'll just go for it and I'll probably freak out along the way.

PS. I mentioned it before but I need to say it again.  To you.  Your support and kindness over the last month has meant so much, this place I could write frankly and have you listen.  Those of you who came out of the woodwork simply to just let me know you are here and you care.  It means more than you know.  Thank you.

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16 comments:

Magpie said...

Safe travels, all of you.

I bet your suitcases will be LADEN.

de said...

I hope you truly are as upbeat as you sound - it can be scarier/harder when you really know what you're in for.

You're going to learn a lot and really live while you're there. I am so thankful that you share your experiences in order for the rest of us to learn and grow, too.

hypoglycemiagirl said...

Well good luck going back! I hope your stay will be longer this time.

wheelsonthebus said...

i totally get this. so often, even if you are excited by something, the thought of actually doing it is exhausting.

krista said...

you are in that space of realizing that the things we dream for ourselves are usually so myopic, so unintentionally shallow. you remind me that the pools of our dreams are fluid, moving under the weight of how far we allow ourselves to open our eyes.
and i always felt the knowledge that going back means starting over again. i have a inkling it will be an easier transition than you think.
xoxo

krista said...

whoa. i just reread my comment and it sounds harsh (that first sentence.) i hope you realize it's meant as awe-inspiring. ack.

Amber said...

I feel for you, that this setback happened at the time it did, before you got your bearings. I hope that when you return to the jungle you're reminded of exactly what you're doing and why.

And I bet the food from your jungle will be amazing. I'm a little jealous thinking about fresh tropical fruit. :)

Gwen said...

Maybe you'll surprise yourself, jen. I bet you already have, more than once.

Can't wait to see the food forest in full bloom!

bgirl said...

standing by, eager to follow you back to the jungle...and for what it's worth, your "freakout" is my inspiration.

hugs

Blog Antagonist said...

I've been so caught up in my own life issues that I haven't had a moment to check in here. But I've though of you and wondered how you and J were doing. I'm so glad you get to return to your beloved jungle. I think so many of us were mourning your dream interrupted. Best of luck on your return!

Janet said...

Food forest sounds more fun than plain old garden.

Be safe, be well.

Madge said...

i was wondering if it would be hard to go back after having to leave so soon after you got there. i think when you get home you will really feel home. i hope. thank you for sharing with us. we are the ones blessed.

jaded said...

Pardon the laundry pun girl, but you guys have truly passed through the ringer this month. I like the sound of the Food Forest. One of my friends ripped all the sod out out her yard and planted different varieties of ornamentals with edibles. She called an english-style garden. Me? I'm in love with the idea of life without a lawnmower

Z said...

I've been thinking of you when I was away, hoping for good news, and I'm so happy for you. J's positive attitude, after what he's been through, is wonderful. I hope, when your plane lands, that you'll feel you've returned home.

Kyla said...

Food forest sounds edgier anyway. Hardcore gardening. ;)

Mad said...

Jen,
Before you go, can you send me (again) the address that I need to mail the package to?