Wednesday, August 19, 2009

fencing

Man, it's easy to get sucked in. You with your roads and your stoplights and your miles of produce all neatly stacked in rows. You with your convenience and your hot water and your surety that when you flip the light switch the light will indeed come on.

A week and a half to go and then I'm back in the jungle but the project will continue a bit longer so I'll be coming back again soon. I'm grateful and I am lost, I am straddling two sides of a very different fence and one is seductive and one is real while the other is seductive and the other is real.

I weave anonymously through the crowd both sure and unsure. Office politics make me giggle and I laugh in the elevator. I miss the sky. I can't hear the birds. I drink your wine and I sit in your comfortable chairs. I order a sandwich with the ease of someone who hasn't forgotten how. I'm soft in the middle. I'm using my brain. I like the project I'm working on but my life doesn't feel real.

I've forgotten how to write.



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13 comments:

txmommaleelee said...

I liked this post alot. When you say one is seductive and one is real and vice-versa I can totally see how that must seem to you. I know you will be glad to get back to the jungle and have your daughter and husband back. I wish you safe travels!

flutter said...

bullshit.

You've not forgotten, the cadence has just changed.

Anna said...

No you haven't.

Magpie said...

Of course you haven't forgotten how to write. And keep doing it - the straddle is fascinating.

Jennifer (ponderosa) said...

I think it's fascinating, too. It's hard to live in 2 worlds at once. I think that's one of the things that makes new-motherhood so hard: you have to learn a new way of being. You have to learn to look at what you have with new eyes. I mean, instead of thinking: now I'm stuck with a screaming infant who sucks me dry and never sleeps! you have to learn to appreciate that particular look an infant gives you while nursing, or the softness of her skin, or whatever.

mamatulip said...

I know what you mean. I think I have, too.

krista said...

your perspective is so authentic, so genuine, so unique. your words reflect that, my dear.

Omaha Mama said...

Well...you better remember, dammit. Or write about the forgetting. :-)

meno said...

Such contrast. Two realities, all woven into one narrative.

Gwen said...

Perhaps it's not an either/or proposition. Perhaps it's an and/and.

But I can see how it can feel very dislocating.

Amd said...

love to you sister of mine*

Maggie, Dammit said...

You have not forgotten how to write.

Denguy said...

I spent most of the summer up north (well, more up north) where we have no potable water. I enjoy living in the "woods" sometimes even though there are shops only a 30-minute drive away
I envy you and also fear the extent of your "woodsiness" down there in the jungle.