Monday, August 31, 2009

torn between two lovers feeling like a fool

Ahem
(taps microphone softly)
(glances around, considers running away)

It's been nearly two weeks since I've posted, I think a one plus two record. I may have been serious when I said I forgot how to write.

I'm back in the jungle. We are back and not only back but my baby, my sweet, delicious, tiny girl child started kindergarten today. I quite tearily dropped her off and left her and picked her up afterwards, my amazing most beautiful kick ass kid. She did it, she did it with only a few tears, sweating in the heat, she came out smiling and even complaining that there wasn't very much learning going on around that place which I've decided to chalk up to first day settling in and not as an omen of things to come. She even wants to go back tomorrow. Score one for jungle school.

I've been a whirlwind of planes and work and heat, my project isn't winding down so I am due back next month, a blessing and a curse, a paycheck and a long distance road. I am really walking the line now, unsure of where I am supposed to be and even more quietly, where I want to be, unsure of a lot and confident in the rest. Somehow this is sort of what we planned and yet somehow when it's actually happening it feels a million times strange and a bit teary, I get a bit of a rush and I am in some ways proud of myself. I already miss my child and am not sure what kind of mother this leaving again makes me.

We talked about it quite a bit me and her, debating whether working every day all day and being apart in that way is better than being together constantly for six months and having two weeks apart. She's decided the latter is better except for the part when I'm gone and I completely agree. The career part of me feels so thankful, I've somehow landed a gig that suits me perfectly, working with non profit types instead of inside of them, helping things work themselves out. Being in the States meant a few other things, besides gaining a few pounds I reconnected with old friends, several of whom took me in and for one fantastic weekend, M and I both. We couch surfed and ate too much and drank in the luxury of being around people we love and who love us and we laughed and hugged and maybe cried once or twice.

And now we are back and feel fortunate again to be met with hugs and squeals and catching up with our new friends, the ones we've come to love here who are now part of us too. Down here they chide me for going up north to the unreal world and nod with understanding because they know why I must. The mothers here promise to help J and M any way they can because they know and we all know there is nothing like having a mother in the home and for that I am happy too. The village circles it's wagons once more. And I spin right round baby right round.






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16 comments:

Madge said...

although i'm used to leaving my kids for business trips -- and they are used to it to -- i never go without the guilt. even though i know they are ok and i am doing the best i can for my family. glad you are back.

Amber said...

We have a year until kindergarten. Suddenly that doesn't seem like nearly long enough. These kids, they just grow up way too fast.

It sounds like you're really working to find your place. I'm sending good thoughts to you, that you figure it out as best you can. At least for a time, anyway.

painted maypole said...

how fabulous that you are already part of that village, that the women are helping to circle the wagons.

but of course you are. of course they are.

krista said...

i'm going to have those songs in my head tonight while i sleep :-)

i was thinking about you this morning, as i walked the baby around in her jogging stroller, me not jogging but rather strolling with iced coffee in hand, across the bridge that canopies the freeway, right in the middle of it all.

i thought of you, right in the middle of it all and felt so grateful to have glimpses of your life and your living it.

Cold Spaghetti said...

So glad you're back safely and the first day of school was every success that it should be... hugs to all!

flutter said...

now, wherever would she get her beautiful, kickassness from?

kgirl said...

Sending your child off on their first day of kindie - one more universal experience that makes a mother cry.

meno said...

Kindergarden! Oh, the grown up.

de said...

Jen, you're living, and man, can life be a tiger by the tail, but it's better than the alternatives.

Glad M's first day was a good one. I am already out of the running for Mom of the Year - didn't even know it was early dismissal today, so they had to call me. When they called I ran out so fast I left the dog outside.

Bon said...

i like everything De said so much i'm just gonna say ditto. except the Mom of the Year bit...i'm still working up to that. ;)

whymommy said...

Sounds wonderful. Except for the leaving part, but y'know what? There's always the coming back.

Anna said...

It's when you go away and come back that you really see how much they've grown.

Gwen said...

no, m'dear, you haven't forgotten to write. enjoy your village and the freedom it gives you. and congrats on kindergarten!

Kim said...

Glad you are back!

luckyzmom said...

Peek a boo just keeps getting more difficult. Wait til your first grandchild starts their first day of school.

Jenn said...

....feelin' like a fool, lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules...

Dude. My sister and I used to rock that 45 out repeatedly.

How do you think, exactly, that your child got so amazing?

And you know what, fuck it if Big A's first day of kindergarten wasn't one of the happiest, most heartbreaking days of my life....because those two are lovers, you know?