Saturday, December 26, 2009

catch

Seasons. Change. This year has been full of it, a year ago we left the States with little more than what we could carry and we set up a home here in a small village and aside from one scary medical issue it's been fine, it's been fine as spun sugar dripping off the cone. I've learned some things, things I'd never known about heat and dirt and bugs and third world markets, of concrete bungalows with Cuban doctors who fix you better than your doctors in the States. Of hand washing laundry and learning to make do. I've learned about the dark, about the full of the moon. Of community and what it means to look out for one another when there is no one else to call. And along the way we've had a few breaks, a good gig in the US that enabled us to keep on doing what we are doing even if it meant a bit of back and forth for me.

But change is coming, another one thought out carefully and with our goals firmly in mind but require an unconventional situation. One I embrace and one I do not. It's simple really, when the Man offers you a longer gig in what has proven to be a very uncertain economy you say yes, you say yes even if it means that half of us will need to leave the jungle and come back to the States temporarily, for several months in a row. You say yes and then realize you cannot be away from your child so she must come with you. You say yes and realize that you also cannot leave what you've started here. You say yes and realize how much you will miss J. But J will stay and we will go, and he will build our house while we are gone.

You see how this is a good thing, a once in a lifetime sort of opportunity to allow for both income and construction. You see how if we focus, if we really focus, we can maybe actually pull it off. But it means half of us are leaving and the rest is staying here. It's a distance I can't quite fathom, one where visits are already planned and life is already in motion.

But today I watched the toucans and I cried. I listened to the magnificent howler monkeys screaming in the trees and I cried some more. I do and do not want to go. It requires an extra dose of courage and trust to make this next move.

Our friends have come round today, hugs and small tokens and lots of goodbyes. A few months is a long time here, the mamitas in the village have already offered weekly meals, fry jacks and johnny cakes and rice and beans for J. He is awkward in response, he's not quite like the men here, he is more accustomed in domesticity and doesn't need the help but it's touching all the same and it's quite lovely knowing they'll be here just like it's calming knowing our village there awaits, friends and family who support our next chapter have circled the wagons there too, assisting with odd bits of child care and books for M and a warm embrace for me.

So tomorrow M and I will hug J tight and then get on a plane and start something new and we'll do it together and apart and there is grace in that, in knowing that our small family is it's own little village, that we will watch over each other as we go and that in a short while if all goes as planned we'll be back again soon and move into a place of our own.
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21 comments:

Omaha Mama said...

Opportunity knocking so you can buy a new door! :0)
Prayers for your safe journeys. Your little family will look back on this some day and your time together will be that much more sweet having lived without it for a while.

Best wishes.

Anjali said...

Safe travels and hurry home.

QT said...

If anyone can make it work, it will be you three. I have all the faith in the world in it.....

Amber said...

Safe travels, and good thoughts for a smooth adjustment and a speedy return.

coldspaghetti said...

I'm so sorry you have to leave for an extended time and admire your bravery for leaving so much of your life behind as you do so. Sending supportive thoughts and wishes...

meno said...

Oh i don't know if i could do what you are doing. I'd like to think so, but i fear i'm not that strong.

But i know you are.

hele said...

i pray for you and your family on this new journey of discovery. may your ancestors guide you and hold you safe*

Kyla said...

Good luck to you all, jen. You've tackled so much already, I'm sure this new challenge will be met with the same kind of bravery and fortitude...and grace, of course.

Magpie said...

much love and luck to you and M and J. all best in 2010.

flutter said...

love to you

mamatulip said...

Safe travels to you, my friend.

painted maypole said...

i have no doubt that your village of 3 will make it work, somehow, and come away stronger and more filled with joy.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Oh, this sounds so hard, but you are an expert in hard things and you can do this. You inspire, as always. Much love to you and yours this new year's eve and beyond. xo

Madge said...

best wishes to you. best best wishes, safe travels and we are all hoping for the best for you.

Kim said...

You never cease to amaze me.

To have one ounce of your bravery..... Wow.

alejna said...

I am glad that you are finding ways to make the jungle venture work, even if it means spending so much time away from the jungle. And I can totally understand your need to keep M close to you. Here's hoping that all three of you get to be together again soon!

Happy New Year, friend!

Amy Y said...

How tough! Hang in there ~ think how strong your family will be after this time apart... I hope you enjoy your time back in the States!

Karen said...

how brave you are & what a home you will go home to in a few months' time. Happy New Year!

Denguy said...

It seems that you've lived ten times the life I've lived and I'm older than you.
Good luck and I hope you get home soon.

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Joker the Lurcher said...

strength to you, jen. it will be tough but also worth it. i have made a new friend who owns some land in puerto rica - she is going to build a house there and i told her about you and your blog.